Thursday, September 16, 2010
Removing Movies From My Mind - Grief and Lost Selves
Stepping across aisles,
another row of seats
filled with memories, the “selves”,
the forgotten ones –
deeply abandoned parts of who I was to become ....
Hidden in the darkness –
the cinema that I believed was my life –
projected images, drama, sadness, silence,
hope, flights of happy relief,
suspended in dangles of questions
and contrived answers.
My life now staggers with Their revealing truths –
the vagueness becomes clearer,
the movies of my imaginary living are ending abruptly
and I must follow Their lead –
deeper and deeper
present with in my self,
Their comforting Presence –
hands, hearts touching,
closeness and beyond closeness,
Their quiet voices introducing me
-- more and more to “me” I have forgotten,
reminding me of Their present love
and my helpless past.
I experience massive waves of regret and fear –
And wonder --
wondering
if the stupor of the screen’s fabricated images
were not maybe a “better” way to go.
So much to re-experience.....
So much remains.
In our Presence together.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
What Do We Really Want? -- Grief and Spiritual Awakening
“The problem with doing what we want is that we don't know what we want .... powerlessness .... but our Higher Power knows – and Their will for me is what I “really” want – but don’t know it .....what happens is my life today is what I “want” – even if my humanness disagrees – all there is and can be is God’s will ..... right at this moment, my humanness is anxious about today’s outcomes ....How do I receive and accept Their gifts for me today? .... “ My Journal (posted on Facebook Saturday, August 14, 2010)
The challenge for me regarding what I want is that everything I perceive is filtered through my human brain, which attaches a good or bad rating to each molecule, and each unit of perception ....
Going back to the metaphor of the Garden of Eden, the curse was the perception or “knowledge” of good and evil .... at that point the illusion of good and bad was programmed into the human brain, and when the perceptual question is asked, “are you a good witch or a bad witch?” (Wizard of Oz), the answer will always be we and they and it are bad – frequently disguised in the thought and experience of “just not good enough” ....
In the context of the concepts of wants and needs, I will never be satisfied, because my brain will assert its “knowledge of good and evil” and nothing will ever be good enough – I will never be content or truly happy .... the best I can hope for is to be inebriated on thought or some other brain altering substance ....
The “knowledge of good and evil” is ultimately the foundation of separation from my God .... the temptation in the Eden metaphor was that they would become “like God” – without “needing” God .... and separation from God, from themselves, and from each other occurred – They were “ashamed” --- before there was no good and bad – but now, they were naked, and they experienced the shame of being bad – not good enough – abandoned and separated ... and they damned themselves to suffering and death for their perceived “sins” .... actually there was and is no “sin” – only shame = the perception and reaction of deserved separation and loneliness....
I spent most of my life trying to determine what God’s Will was. My brain – dominated by right/wrong, good/bad filter programming assigned the thought label of God’s Will to what I did and what occurred that seemed to be good or right ..... frequently this was just a judgment based on the results of outcomes .... when others seemed pleased – good or right .... if others were displeased – wrong and bad..... and I would punish myself accordingly .... I have never “needed” a “God” to create a hell for me suffer in....
For me, as all of the Twelve Steps converged on Step Eleven, I began to experience that as my conscious contact with my God improved, I began to see my self, and my life from their eyes .... as that occurred, I began to lose incrementaly the effects of the good/ bad mental programming filter .... with the “knowledge of God’s will for me” came an increasing awareness that all is good, and that my human self, without my God’s conscious Presence could not live that awareness ....
The material world and its inhabitants – including myself -- do not operate comfortably within such a radical “mental awakening” .... intimate Presence with God, for me, must be practiced as a life style, or my humanness will make outcomes appear life and death, right and wrong ... and I will ultimately be miserable no matter the outcome ...... when I have gotten the outcomes I “wanted” I was still restless, irritible, and discontented out of fear that I would lose my outcome and/or that the next outcome would be “bad” – “unwanted.”
“Having had a spiritual awakening, as the result of these steps ...... we practiced these principles in all affairs.”
Responses on Facebook to the original post:
Drollene B: If we need a lot of things to make us happy, we can cut down the possibility for unhappiness by paring down the list of needs and downgrade them to wants. If we have a long list of wants, thinking having them would make us happy, we can cut the criteria for happiness by downgrading our wants to preferences. If we have only preferences, we can always be happy. I think it's something to strive for. I'm not there yet.
Joseph P. Where we've been wrong is in the belief that we exist. At least in some concept of separateness and individuality. Such is the egoic illusion. The space in which this phantasmic self exists is merely holding a place in time and space better used as a channel for God's love, comfort, Light, forgiveness, peace. There is no MY will, only God's will and the opportunity to fall into harmony with it.
Gary S, Keep it simple.
Courteney B. Keeping my need/wants vs want/needs is what i strive for. when we get something we want we may not be ready for it, as it's 'our' will, not gods. we then may have to ask for it to be removed and clean up another mess, been there myself. :)
Drollene B. Okay, Gary, here it is, simple: Need nothing, want nothing, be happy with what comes when it comes.
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Friday, August 6, 2010
What Are Our Choices? Grieving Our "Mistakes"
Will Wass: FB post: “If we choose to take the wrong path, it's usually our sanity that we seem to lose first…..”Question: if we have the ability to chose between different choices, why would we deliberately chose the “wrong path”? …. Our culture seems addicted to the illusion of “choice” …. Like in the Garden of Eden, the temptation was that they would be like God, knowing good and evil …. they would be able to make conscious choices without needing a relationship with God …. Maybe -- the offer is still open …. Just bite the fruit of knowledge and engage self-will …. Or maybe – give up the fruit, and our powerless self-wills, and consciously connect to Their loving Presence – become our true and God created Selves ….
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What Are Our Choices? Path of the Listening Heart
Will Wass: FB post: “If we choose to take the wrong path, it's usually our sanity that we seem to lose first…..”Question: if we have the ability to chose between different choices, why would we deliberately chose the “wrong path”? …. Our culture seems addicted to the illusion of “choice” …. Like in the Garden of Eden, the temptation was that they would be like God, knowing good and evil …. they would be able to make conscious choices without needing a relationship with God …. Maybe -- the offer is still open …. Just bite the fruit of knowledge and engage self-will …. Or maybe – give up the fruit, and our powerless self-wills, and consciously connect to Their loving Presence – become our true and God created Selves ….
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What Are Our Choices? Path of the Listening Heart
Will Wass: FB post: “If we choose to take the wrong path, it's usually our sanity that we seem to lose first…..”Question: if we have the ability to chose between different choices, why would we deliberately chose the “wrong path”? …. Our culture seems addicted to the illusion of “choice” …. Like in the Garden of Eden, the temptation was that they would be like God, knowing good and evil …. they would be able to make conscious choices without needing a relationship with God …. Maybe -- the offer is still open …. Just bite the fruit of knowledge and engage self-will …. Or maybe – give up the fruit, and our powerless self-wills, and consciously connect to Their loving Presence – become our true and God created Selves ….
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What Are Our Choices? Path of the Listening Heart
Will Wass: FB post: “If we choose to take the wrong path, it's usually our sanity that we seem to lose first…..”Question: if we have the ability to chose between different choices, why would we deliberately chose the “wrong path”? …. Our culture seems addicted to the illusion of “choice” …. Like in the Garden of Eden, the temptation was that they would be like God, knowing good and evil …. they would be able to make conscious choices without needing a relationship with God …. Maybe -- the offer is still open …. Just bite the fruit of knowledge and engage self-will …. Or maybe – give up the fruit, and our powerless self-wills, and consciously connect to Their loving Presence – become our true and God created Selves ….
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What Are Our Choices? Path of the Listening Heart
Will Wass: FB post: “If we choose to take the wrong path, it's usually our sanity that we seem to lose first…..”Question: if we have the ability to chose between different choices, why would we deliberately chose the “wrong path”? …. Our culture seems addicted to the illusion of “choice” …. Like in the Garden of Eden, the temptation was that they would be like God, knowing good and evil …. they would be able to make conscious choices without needing a relationship with God …. Maybe -- the offer is still open …. Just bite the fruit of knowledge and engage self-will …. Or maybe – give up the fruit, and our powerless self-wills, and consciously connect to Their loving Presence – become our true and God created Selves ….
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Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Step Eight of the Twelve Steps: Self-Forgiveness and Grief
I chaired a Twelve Meeting on the Eighth Step of the Twelve Steps this past week .... These are my notes and reflections.
Step Eight: Self-Forgiveness of Harms
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Equivalent of 4-6 Steps: dependent on 1st three steps
1. Make a searching inventory of how we have seemingly harmed others;
2. Admit to God, our selves and another human being the exact nature of our harm: our fear, woundedness and powerlessness.
3. Become entirely ready to have God remove our guilt and shame for our harm of others.
4. Column 4 of 4th step: our part (where we had a part)
5. Difference from AA: exaggerated responsibility vs little to no responsibility.
Goal is forgiveness of our selves: goal is not to restore and repair relationships -- addiction to outcomes requires we not enter amends unless we are spiritually prepared.
1. Problem is the punishment and injury we inflict on ourselves for our perceived harm to others: forgiveness is to stop abandoning our selves for our harms of others – to see ourselves through God’s eyes.
2. Others must ultimately deal with their own resentments and pain: most non-recovering persons do not have the spiritual tools to do so.
3. Step One and Two are critical: acceptance that we are helpless to do otherwise –without establishing a conscious contact relationship with God.
Willingness must produce spiritual readiness: otherwise related discomfort –shame and resentment toward ourselves and others -- will sabotage efforts, on some level.
Perceived harm – not just real harm: having a negative attitude toward someone might feel like harm, but not actually be. (see notes 8/9/09)
Definition of “harm”:
1. Anything I did that I feel or felt guilt for doing. (perceived and real)
2. Separation from another: abandonment, abuse, neglect, betrayal.
Types of harm: factor in determining actual amends.
1. Active (lying, stealing, physical threat or harm .....)
2. Passive aggressive (e.g. sarcasm, “pushing buttons”)
3. Passive (e.g. silence, and ignoring of others)
Versions of harms: all harm ultimately is determined by perception, reaction, and memory. (for example, sarcasm – real or perceived?)
1. Real – black and white, clear (eg. Stealing, physical damage, verifiable actions .....)
2. Perceived by me.
3. Perceived by the other person.
4. Perceived by both by both of us.
5. Reviewed and verified or not verified by sponsor.
Types of amends status:
1. Ready
2. Not ready
3. Never
Spiritual Process:
1. Step One – powerlessness, so not because we were bad.
2. Step Two – need to have a close and conscious relationship with HP/God that can bring our forgiveness of ourselves. – restore to sanity with improving conscious contact with God.
3. Step Three – take the necessary action to trust God with our perceptions, and reactions of harm.
Barriers to amends that needs to be addressed:
1. Past harm from the other person, and current resentments.
2. Fear of abandonment, rejection, and abuse by other – and our selves when amends made:
3. Possibility that we will be reharmed by the other person
4. Lack of clarity regarding what is appropriate amends in each case.
5. Shame and guilt for what we have done – pain and fear.
Preparation:
1. Metaphor: alcoholic not to go into bar 1. unless has a clear and legitimate reason to be there, and 2. unless spiritually in a good place.
2. Some one addicted to outcomes: same for preparation for making amends.
Readings: from The Courage to Change
1. Page 101 – exaggerated sense of responsiblity
2. Page 162 – 3 categories of amends
3. Page 242 – dealing with guilt
4. Page 263 – the list and the 4th step
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Step e
I chaired a Twelve Meeting on the Eighth Step of the Twelve Steps this past week .... These are my notes and reflections.
Step Eight: Self-Forgiveness of Harms
Equivalent of 4-6 Steps: dependent on 1st three steps
1. Make a searching inventory of how we have seemingly harmed others;
2. Admit to God, our selves and another human being the exact nature of our harm: our fear, woundedness and powerlessness.
3. Become entirely ready to have God remove our guilt and shame for our harm of others.
4. Column 4 of 4th step: our part (where we had a part)
5. Difference from AA: exaggerated responsibility vs little to no responsibility.
Goal is forgiveness of our selves: goal is not to restore and repair relationships -- addiction to outcomes requires we not enter amends unless we are spiritually prepared.
1. Problem is the punishment and injury we inflict on ourselves for our perceived harm to others: forgiveness is to stop abandoning our selves for our harms of others – to see ourselves through God’s eyes.
2. Others must ultimately deal with their own resentments and pain: most non-recovering persons do not have the spiritual tools to do so.
3. Step One and Two are critical: acceptance that we are helpless to do otherwise –without establishing a conscious contact relationship with God.
Willingness must produce spiritual readiness: otherwise related discomfort –shame and resentment toward ourselves and others -- will sabotage efforts, on some level.
Perceived harm – not just real harm: having a negative attitude toward someone might feel like harm, but not actually be. (see notes 8/9/09)
Definition of “harm”:
1. Anything I did that I feel or felt guilt for doing. (perceived and real)
2. Separation from another: abandonment, abuse, neglect, betrayal.
Types of harm: factor in determining actual amends.
1. Active (lying, stealing, physical threat or harm .....)
2. Passive aggressive (e.g. sarcasm, “pushing buttons”)
3. Passive (e.g. silence, and ignoring of others)
Versions of harms: all harm ultimately is determined by perception, reaction, and memory. (for example, sarcasm – real or perceived?)
1. Real – black and white, clear (eg. Stealing, physical damage, verifiable actions .....)
2. Perceived by me.
3. Perceived by the other person.
4. Perceived by both by both of us.
5. Reviewed and verified or not verified by sponsor.
Types of amends status:
1. Ready
2. Not ready
3. Never
Spiritual Process:
1. Step One – powerlessness, so not because we were bad.
2. Step Two – need to have a close and conscious relationship with HP/God that can bring our forgiveness of ourselves. – restore to sanity with improving conscious contact with God.
3. Step Three – take the necessary action to trust God with our perceptions, and reactions of harm.
Barriers to amends that needs to be addressed:
1. Past harm from the other person, and current resentments.
2. Fear of abandonment, rejection, and abuse by other – and our selves when amends made:
3. Possibility that we will be reharmed by the other person
4. Lack of clarity regarding what is appropriate amends in each case.
5. Shame and guilt for what we have done – pain and fear.
Preparation:
1. Metaphor: alcoholic not to go into bar 1. unless has a clear and legitimate reason to be there, and 2. unless spiritually in a good place.
2. Some one addicted to outcomes: same for preparation for making amends.
Readings: from The Courage to Change
1. Page 101 – exaggerated sense of responsiblity
2. Page 162 – 3 categories of amends
3. Page 242 – dealing with guilt
4. Page 263 – the list and the 4th step
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Thursday, July 15, 2010
We Need More Than Answers -- Grief and Loss
They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
Answers are the enemies of spiritual solutions. Knowledge is the enemy of spiritual enlightenment. Intellect disables spiritual experiences. Psychology is the enemy of spiritual Presence and nurturing intimacy.
What do answers, knowledge, intellect and psychology all have in common? They are based on mental thought and not on spiritual experience. So they produce a distraction which gives temporary relief to inner separation and pain. But ultimately it creates more separation – and therefore more pain.
We need something – someone – who gives more than answers – who brings intimate spiritual enlightenment into the darkness of our abandonments – someone whose loving and caring Presence brings spiritual healing to our wounded souls.
WE have this Someone – when we are WE!
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Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Waves of Returning Selves -- Grief and Loss of Selves
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Problems Are Gifts of Spiritual Awakening -- Grief and Loss
without a gift in its hands.
My brain has two basic categories of life events: what it wants, and problems. It is programmed genetically, socially, and emotionally to avoid problems, and to pursue what it “wants” – to control outcomes. The “belief” seems to be that if everything in my life went as my brain “wanted”, we would be happy and ok.
Fortunately that is not true. If everything and everyone’s being the way I wanted was the meaning and answer to life, I would be severely short changed – and hopelessly lost.
In my experience, I don’t really know what I want – because I can get people and circumstances to be my way, and still be miserable. There is something else – there are “more” – and not more desirable outcomes.
Problems, to me, are reminders that I don’t have what I “want” – and problems are directions toward finding what I am really looking for. They remind me when I am not happy, so I can seek change. And they remind me which path to stay on toward spiritual enlightenment.
My only real problem in life is separation from my God’s higher Presence. When we get separated from each other, I begin to fear, and hurt, and fight what is.
Problems are problems because they bring my pain and fear into conscious experience. Problems are gifts of life – solutions – because they remind me to reconnect and stay connected to my God, to others, and to myself – to find the hope, love, and joy of spiritual enlightenment in conscious Presence.
We need to have “problems” today – undesirable and uncontrollable life events – so we can receive the spiritual healing gifts of spiritual enlightenment, and loving Presence.
Embrace the undesirable. Treat them with daily inspirations and life’s precious moments. They will bring us to spiritual enlightenment -- back to our precious selves.
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Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Love Heals --- Grief and Regaining Ourselves
Karl A. Menninger
“Love” is an interesting word in our culture. People can love ice cream, clothes, movies, TV shows, vacation places – and other people. Somehow the same word does not seem to mean the same in each situation.
And yet, the impression we can get from others is that everyone knows exactly what the word means. Frequently this seems to really be a case of “missing identity.”
Dr. Menninger describes “love” as the cure for people. I agree with his statement, only I believe we have to clarify what aspect of spiritual healing “love” involves.
Perhaps a place to start is with what “illness” does humans have that needs to be “cured” – why do we need spiritual healing at all.
In my experience, all human illness is caused by separation – from God, from others, and most acutely from ourselves. The condition of humanness is one of loneliness, guilt, fear, pain, anger – and sadness. All of these symptoms are directly related and proportionate to our level of our personal separation and sense of abandonment.
So what does love do that can cure our disease of humanness? Maybe “love” is about being intimately reconnected to God, to others, and to ourselves.
My experience is that God interacts with humans by means of Presence – an unconditional availability and flow of “loving” interpersonal energy which could be the definition of “love”.
Perhaps, if we were to interact with others using unconditional attentiveness and companionship, and gifts of caringness – spiritual presence to others -- maybe we would find people who responded to this spiritual treatment, and experienced spiritual healing of their human condition. Maybe like Dr. Menninger said, we would also find ourselves experiencing spiritual healing and spiritual enlightenment as well.
Let’s try and see.
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Experience Life's Precious Moments
Precious MomentsPrecious Moments
> Precious Moments
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Poem: "Re-emerging Selves" -- Grieving Our Lost Selves
My silence pounds walls of repetitive wordings,
living encapsulating in blocks of sound,
flashes of remembering
the unforgotten swirls of past moments –
events and experiences in the “Now”
of my human beingness.
Every object, event, coated
in emotional energy and glistening
with presence and absence – won and lost.
My mind has fashioned,
constructed…
reconstructed…
demolished….
and reconstructed…
so many selves of experience…
into narrow streams of solidified thought….
Dammed by survival…
resisting possible fluidity…
walls of blindness created in desperate silence…
I am….
We are…..
Reemerging…..
from desolation and destruction…..
looking … for what is still hidden…
so deep….
in the presents of the past.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Where Do All The Voices Come From -- Grief and Regaining Ourselves
“So what's worse? Too many voices in your head or complete silence?“
First, it is important to realize and experience that these voices are my “lost selves” – parts of me that were disconnected or dissociated from my actual Self in order to emotionally survive the emotional traumas of my life.
There are four awarenesses that I experienced about my inner voices:
1. When I experience confusion, memory losses, and difficulty making decisions, they is caused by being overwhelmed by these voices – lost selves --pressing me with their pain and fear and needs. Imagine being in a shopping mall full of people – at Christmas, and everyone turns and moves toward you – surrounding you --- talking, then yelling, then screaming information, feelings, demands, requestts, etc...... and imagine trying to process and survive the whole experience.
2. The majority of people survive and function within the material world and within relationships by using silence – the absence of consciousness of the voices. By depressing the operation of the neural pathways of the brain, the pirmitive brain instinctively turns off the sound of their voices. And when that doesn’t work, it will exaggerate, dramatize, generally flood the neural pathways with distracting new activity focused at external circumstances and outcomes – thought.
3. My experience is that we do not have the ability to listen, organize, and process their voices, and successfully address the needs that drives these lost selves into frenzied desperation.
4. What I need to do is to allow a simplification to occur – to become as a little child – in the loving, caring , ujnconditional Presence of my God, and to receive gentle guidance -- to help me move through the conscious experience and restoration of these lost selves. For me, my spiritual parents/guides operate through the Presence that resonates in others.
I perceive that the majority of human beings live materially “successful” lives in virtual silence -- not stillness – silence – the forced and constricted absence of sound -- not the quiet and flowing serenity of Presence. I define ‘success” experiencially as the reaching of enough life outcomes to be reasonably satisfied with life – often to notice of others as being accomplished or having “successfully” overcome sizable obstacles to do so. Most often, success, for humans, is perceived as being within the realm of objects and material outcomes, not relationships, closeness, or intimate awakenings.
“Success” in our modern culture typically entails the suppression of these inner voices – lost selves – in order to reach some external outcome. Consequently, I experience that those who our culture venerates with public media attention, as being the most “successful” are also the most unconscious. As I watch them, I experience the feeling that no one is home. I only experience their masks -- hiding deeper and deeply wounded selves.
The efficiency of unconsciousness – the dead and dying selves lie decomposing on the screens of our televisions and cinemas – in our politics, music, and entertainment. I feel sad. So much wonder and beauty of selves lost in the blinding glares of deafening outcomes.
If you are hearing your inner voices, too, and would like some comforting Presence, and direction, try some of these blogs that I have written, and feel free to contact me on Facebook, or by email.
We can all help each be restored to sanity – truer and more complete versions of ourselves. Our lost selves need us to improve our conscious intimate contact with our God so they can come home. We and they do not have to be alone today.
Click here: Finding Daily Inspirations
Returning to the Secret Garden of Lost Selves
Twelve Step Spiritual Life Management