I chaired a Twelve Meeting on the Eighth Step of the Twelve Steps this past week .... These are my notes and reflections.
Step Eight: Self-Forgiveness of Harms
We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Equivalent of 4-6 Steps: dependent on 1st three steps
1. Make a searching inventory of how we have seemingly harmed others;
2. Admit to God, our selves and another human being the exact nature of our harm: our fear, woundedness and powerlessness.
3. Become entirely ready to have God remove our guilt and shame for our harm of others.
4. Column 4 of 4th step: our part (where we had a part)
5. Difference from AA: exaggerated responsibility vs little to no responsibility.
Goal is forgiveness of our selves: goal is not to restore and repair relationships -- addiction to outcomes requires we not enter amends unless we are spiritually prepared.
1. Problem is the punishment and injury we inflict on ourselves for our perceived harm to others: forgiveness is to stop abandoning our selves for our harms of others – to see ourselves through God’s eyes.
2. Others must ultimately deal with their own resentments and pain: most non-recovering persons do not have the spiritual tools to do so.
3. Step One and Two are critical: acceptance that we are helpless to do otherwise –without establishing a conscious contact relationship with God.
Willingness must produce spiritual readiness: otherwise related discomfort –shame and resentment toward ourselves and others -- will sabotage efforts, on some level.
Perceived harm – not just real harm: having a negative attitude toward someone might feel like harm, but not actually be. (see notes 8/9/09)
Definition of “harm”:
1. Anything I did that I feel or felt guilt for doing. (perceived and real)
2. Separation from another: abandonment, abuse, neglect, betrayal.
Types of harm: factor in determining actual amends.
1. Active (lying, stealing, physical threat or harm .....)
2. Passive aggressive (e.g. sarcasm, “pushing buttons”)
3. Passive (e.g. silence, and ignoring of others)
Versions of harms: all harm ultimately is determined by perception, reaction, and memory. (for example, sarcasm – real or perceived?)
1. Real – black and white, clear (eg. Stealing, physical damage, verifiable actions .....)
2. Perceived by me.
3. Perceived by the other person.
4. Perceived by both by both of us.
5. Reviewed and verified or not verified by sponsor.
Types of amends status:
1. Ready
2. Not ready
3. Never
Spiritual Process:
1. Step One – powerlessness, so not because we were bad.
2. Step Two – need to have a close and conscious relationship with HP/God that can bring our forgiveness of ourselves. – restore to sanity with improving conscious contact with God.
3. Step Three – take the necessary action to trust God with our perceptions, and reactions of harm.
Barriers to amends that needs to be addressed:
1. Past harm from the other person, and current resentments.
2. Fear of abandonment, rejection, and abuse by other – and our selves when amends made:
3. Possibility that we will be reharmed by the other person
4. Lack of clarity regarding what is appropriate amends in each case.
5. Shame and guilt for what we have done – pain and fear.
Preparation:
1. Metaphor: alcoholic not to go into bar 1. unless has a clear and legitimate reason to be there, and 2. unless spiritually in a good place.
2. Some one addicted to outcomes: same for preparation for making amends.
Readings: from The Courage to Change
1. Page 101 – exaggerated sense of responsiblity
2. Page 162 – 3 categories of amends
3. Page 242 – dealing with guilt
4. Page 263 – the list and the 4th step
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