Valley of Deadened Selves: Regaining our Selves through Grief

My mind drapes sadly over the fallen corpses
selves fallen in the service of guarding, protecting the “me”.
I am buried beneath growing swells of rushing raging e-motions
pounding the beaches of my consciousness and thoughts
Reminding, remembering, forgetting yet again.
Protected– a light that rests casually on the edge of my mind
an unravelling of what was never together
exposing the inner wreckage and carnage of my past and dying selves.
I can’t remember where I am – who I was –
another world seems impinging from somewhere
beyond what is for me –
I am present, fallen, and streaming – in realest time –
as light continues to rise – burning alive motions,
somehow, in this dead and dying selves –
as Presence beginning to gently glow and flow within deadened lifeless
veins – and life, a love, sensations of beingness,
Presence begins to beat
where darkened hearts had stopped before.
My valley of deadened selves, touched – restoring -- yet unknown appearing Self – enlightened shadows of what may yet to come.

Elizabeth Wass -- Becoming Acquainted With Grief

Today, January 26, 2010, Liz would have been 52 years old. Today marks the beginning of her final hours.

Five years ago today, we celebrated her 47th birthday at the hospital – 24 hours later she went into a coma induced by the level of pain medication she had to have. The next day, Friday, she was moved to hospice.

Around 2:30 Saturday morning, she went home.

This loss became for me the defining grief experience of my life: the nearly eight years of periodic illness and treatments, and then the final two horrendous years – the pain, the surgeries, and the struggle to survive the inevitable.

I would like to remember this with you as my way of beginning my sharing about grieving and regaining our lost selves. This is my experience, strength, and hope – not my knowledge, intellect, and understanding. It is personal – and it is emotional – and it is healing. To avoid the inevitable pain is to lose so many beautiful parts of our selves. To live and love is to become the best versions of our selves – and it’s definitely worth the price of grief.

Will Wass