Valley of Deadened Selves: Regaining our Selves through Grief

My mind drapes sadly over the fallen corpses
selves fallen in the service of guarding, protecting the “me”.
I am buried beneath growing swells of rushing raging e-motions
pounding the beaches of my consciousness and thoughts
Reminding, remembering, forgetting yet again.
Protected– a light that rests casually on the edge of my mind
an unravelling of what was never together
exposing the inner wreckage and carnage of my past and dying selves.
I can’t remember where I am – who I was –
another world seems impinging from somewhere
beyond what is for me –
I am present, fallen, and streaming – in realest time –
as light continues to rise – burning alive motions,
somehow, in this dead and dying selves –
as Presence beginning to gently glow and flow within deadened lifeless
veins – and life, a love, sensations of beingness,
Presence begins to beat
where darkened hearts had stopped before.
My valley of deadened selves, touched – restoring -- yet unknown appearing Self – enlightened shadows of what may yet to come.

Grief Changed by Closesness With Our God

God sends no one away except those who are full of themselves.
Dwight L. Moody

This is a cute quote, with some very experience-provoking ideas.

I would hasten to note that in my experience, strength and hope, my God has never sent me away -- ever. This concept of being sent away concerns me because our shame and guilt can grab this up and lead us into fear and separation – while God never changed or moved His and Her unconditional love and Presence.

One spiritual awareness to have here is it is possible to be in a state and mental condition where God cannot reach us – because of our unconscious resistance and unavailability.

Another spiritual awareness is that this occurs when we are mentally “full of ourselves” -- when there is no room for God’s Presence within our lives. There is “something” that can exist inside of us that blocks God’s intimate and caring love from entering our heart and lives.

This “something” is our wounded selves trying to protect us from harm, and in the process, harming us with separation from God. These wounded selves from our past are trying hard to protect us. They are like an auto-immune disease – like arthritis – where the body’s natural defense systems, in an attempt to protect the body, actually attacks and harms parts of the body.

Frequently this characteristic – self-protection by wounded selves – is angrily referred to as the “ego”. Our ego is a collection of lost past selves that have formed together inside our brain in an attempt to protect us from separation and abandonment, and in the process actually causes separation and abandonment in the process. Our ego fills our brain with fear and anger, which separates us from others, from our God, and from ourselves.

For this diseased process to end and God’s loving Presence to begin to flow into our hearts, we must address the woundedness of our ego. First of all, our ego selves need to be accepted and not resisted. They are our heroes – as misguided as they are. They have fought to keep us safe in insane and abusive situations.

They need to be nurtured with increasing higher Presence, back into loving health and sanity. They were created in the pain and in the fear of abandonment – and more abandonment will make more determined to protect – at any cost. They need to be given high doses of God’s Presence through spiritual enlightenment – daily inspirations, the experience of precious moments with others and God, and the spiritual support of spiritual coaches and guides.

There is an unlimited supply of Presence and love available to us from God. We must empty our selves of the wounds and infection of our lost selves –ego – and be restored to a growing openness to the God of our personal spiritual experience.

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Following Grief Back to the Heart of Presence

It is good to have an end to journey towards;
but it is the journey that matters in the end.
Ursula LeGuin

What is the meaning of life? A seemingly absurd question considering no one really “knows” the answer. Perhaps the closest answer is the one given by Jack Palance as a rough and worn cowboy in the movie “City Slickers”. He said that the meaning of life is “one thing” – just one thing. Find one thing that means the most to you, and make that the center of your life. Focusing on too many things destroys the meaning of life.

In my experience, the meaning of life is “Presence in the Present”. To experience God – our higher Presence – in this precious moment of time – the Present – that is the truest “meaning of life”. To feel and be totally human and conscious, and consciously connected to God – in this exact moment – gives a dimension to life that overwhelmingly amazing and freeing.

It’s ok to have goals and plans – except when they take us out of our precious moments and into the terrorfying future. We are – each moment – in a sparkle of meaning and love – when we are Present in Presence within our journey.

In math, a line between two points is composed of an infinite number of points. When we are present in this moment, we are approaching an eternity of beingness – the ultimate intimacy and closeness with God, ourselves and others.

So how do we live in the journey and not in the deception of the destination?

It’s impossible for me to do that. This is my starting point. My brain does not operate in present moments. It is always miles of ahead of where I am.
And I cannot stop this.

Second, for me, only inserting the higher Presence of my God into the present can stop my brain at this precious moment. Inspirational life quotes, inspirational readings, music, journaling, and the voice of God in others’ lips – all of these are means of increasing my conscious connection to my God – the meaning of life.

Third, for me, is to take action – do something – act as if God is taking me into this moment – act as if I am loved, safe, and guided. Many times it is as simple as taking the next breath, and taking the next step – being present in each motion forward as an expression of my trust in Their loving Presence and intent.

We have all been given a journey – an infinite number of precious moments -- opportunities for intimacy and meaning with our God. Let us breathe -- touch the hand of our higher Presence -- and step deeply into each precious moment -- our journey to the heart of Presence.

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Laying Our Lives at God's Feet -- Gifts of Grief and Loss

My imperfections and failures are as much
a blessing from God as my successes and my talents,
and I lay them both at His feet.
Mahatma Gandhi

What if every morning, we received an email from God, labeled, “My Will for You Today”? And what if in the email, God told us everything we were supposed to do and everything that would happen? Wouldn’t that just be great?! It would take all the guess work out of life.

No. It would not be great. It would be like being given the answers for a pending test before the test. There would be no motivation to learn and grow.

With all the answers given, we would not bother to develop a relationship with God – and we would cease to become -- and be close.

The same is true of our imperfections and failures. They are our means of developing intimate Presence with God. Without them, our human brains would convince us that spiritual struggles with myself and efforts to grow – and become -- are unnecessary. And we would live lonely, meaningless lives -- without conscious Presence of a caring, loving God who brings all the pieces of the human experience into a spiritual whole.

“I lay them both at His feet.” It makes sense to lay our imperfections and failures, but why our successes and talents?

Our human brain is preoccupied with outcomes as a means of making ourselves “happy”—actually for protecting us from painful consequences – painful separation. The reality is that success and talent can be as much a trap, as imperfections and failures can be a gift.

Success can lull us into the illusion that we can control the outcomes of our lives – and that when we do, we will be happy. Both conclusions are false and extremely harmful.

We need to accept and experience our powerlessness in our failures -- see caring Presence in our successes – hear that Someone is looking out for our best interests and needs – and continue to surrender our outcomes His and Her loving care.

What we have placed at Their feet no longer has the power to control or threaten our serenity -- we can truly Be.

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Listening to Presence with Our Hearts -- Moving Through Grief

There is a guidance for each of us, and by lowly listening we shall hear the right word…. Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom which flows into your life. Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Each writer uses different words and combinations of words to express and communicate same and similar experiences. Words are receptacles of human energy, which can become filled with spiritual Presence energy and then lived beyond what we could even begin to ask for or think.

There is a higher Presence that resides and resonates within each of us. Hence writers have talked about recognizing and “worshipping” the God that is within all of us –individually and collectively.

That Presence – “a guidance for each of us” – is able to begin to clear our brains of mindless frightened chatter, and begin to reveal to us the higher meaning and direction of our lives – spiritual experiences leading to spiritual awakenings, resulting in spiritual enlightenment. With this guiding Presence, we become increasingly alive and aware.

Implied in these words is the necessity to experience, admit, and accept that of our own abilities, we cannot know! This is required in order to go to the next level.

“Lowly” simply means humble – an active spiritual awareness that we are unable to know and to do life alone -- and that there is Someone there – hidden behind rows and rows of thought within our brains – Someone who is speaking – caringly and lovingly to our hearts – when we can listen.

We are not alone.

As we learn to listen, we begin to hear the “right words”. Words again are containers full of energy. Distorted by our hidden pasts, the neural energy of words destroys and harm. Freed by conscious Presence with the God of our intimate experience, the energy of “right words” heals – spiritually transforms our perceptions and reactions into “rightness” or personal sanity and health.

To access this spiritual Presence on regular basis, we need to place ourselves into the very center of the spiritual stream of God’s Presence and spiritual enlightenment, which flows even now right through our lives – our conscious experiences of living.

It is critical to let God, our higher Presence, reveal this incredible stream of spiritual energy that is ever present and available to all of us.

When we learn to live within these spiritual experiences and Presence, we will find ourselves accessing an infinitely higher awareness, and experiencing a serenity that exceeds all human thinking – and WITHOUT EFFORT!

“Impossible”, says our brains. “Life is only as “good” as we make it,” -- one of the many lies received from our brains.

“Without effort” or effortless: The Bible says, “what man, by willing it to be so, can add one inch to his height?” We are powerless – alone. Intimately connected to our God, we become – merely by having and improving our conscious contact with Him and Her. Spiritual enlightenment and healing comes from conscious Presence with God – “not by our works, lest any man boast”

Let’s take some deep breaths – slow and easy – feeling the rhythm and motion of our bodies – being exactly where we are at this moment – unconditionally perfect, loved – and admired – by our loving higher Parents. We are not alone. Feel their Presence. Begin to allow their caring energy to flow through you – becoming engulfed in the steady glowing stream of their love. And listen – words will appear and begin to dissolve – the pure spirit that flows from Their heart will lift us from our worldly distractions – and we are becoming spiritually enlightened beyond our thoughts and human perceptions.

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When I Listen, God Speaks -- Facebook and Grief

I am new to Facebook, so I am learning how to communicate within its contexts. I find myself listening to others’ words, and experiencing a higher consciousness of my self – especially when I share my own perceptions, and reactions – experience, strength, and hope. I have decided to share with you the gifts others have given me, with the hope there may be gifts in the Presence of these words for you.


Gratitude:

Not especially looking forward to working tomorrow...I
suppose I should be grateful I'll be getting time and a half. God, help me to be
a good employee and not lose my temper at work tomorrow, and help me tonight to
enjoy being at home!

Yes, you should – be grateful!!!! NOT!!!


For me, when I "should" on myself, I am not grateful but suppressing my conscious contact with my own feelings, and pretending that it is gratitude. For me, gratitude begins many times with consciously experiencing my discomfort and fear, connecting consciously with my higher power -- literature, others, meetings, journalling, meditation -- and then taking action -- next right or necessary thing, acting as if -- WHILE consciously feeling my feelings, and my God's Presence. It takes "practice" -- in my experience -- to make this a spiritual way of "living", but it happens.



Consciously feeling my feelings -- consciously connecting with my God -- consciously acting in trust, while feeling my feelings -- and then a higher Presence occurs -- an improved conscious relationship with my God -- and intuitively I experience that I am being loved and cared about – which is gratitude -- without needing reasoning or logic – without resisting my feelings.

Thanks for your honesty.


Aging:

“Depending on their outlook, people's old age will
dramatically differ, especially in terms of the richness and fulfillment they
will experience. Everything is up to our attitude, how we approach life. Do we
look at old age as a descending path to oblivion? Or is it a period in which we
can attain our goals and bring our lives to a rewarding, satisfying completion?”
Wisdom for Modern Life - Daisaku Ikeda

I experience that aging begins with the constriction of neural energy to control outcomes and relationships, which progressively cuts down my brain's capacity to maintain the biological network of my body, and hence it progressively deteriorates -- aging.

To slow down or modify the process, I experience a need to reduce my brain's constriction by improving my conscious contact with my higher power's Presence. The constriction is the result of separation from my higher power caused by my attachment, fixation, and dependency on outcomes as a means of control and perceptual "survival".

Humility:

" A conceited person never gets anywhere
because he thinks he's already there. "
Rev Run

Maybe: A humble person never gets anywhere because he/she IS already there.

Outcomes:

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you -- things
nothing else can…. I waste more time trying to force myself to stay awake and
get something finished than I'd gain by just going to bed, getting at least a
little sleep, and then tackling the project again. But I forget that --
everytime.

I struggle with the" same" thing. I am working on becoming consciously connected to the parts of me that are resisting each other and producing conflicted outcomes. My experience is that there are lost selves attempting to return "Home". Really -- maybe -- a better outcome than reaching an externalized goal.

Mistakes:

“If you have made mistakes, even serious ones,
there is always another chance for you. What we call "failure" is not the
falling down but the staying down.”
Mary Pickford.
I need to remember
this. Until I am willing to do something badly, I will never make progress. Like
working with my new airbrush.

Maybe -- there are no mistakes -- only misunderstood outcomes. With my higher power, there seems to be no waste. Everything seems to be deliberately planned and used to bring me to better and better versions of my self. I see mistakes when I can only see the details and not Their loving, caring destiny for me. The bestest gift of any painful event is the intimate closeness I can experience when I dare to feel consciously my exposed sadness and fear -- in Their Presence.

The "Right One":

Hope this might be true.
On this day, God
wants you to know...
that the way you know you have found the right one is
the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with the person. Having neither to
weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they
are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift
them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the
rest away.
Dinah Craik

I experience the term "the right one" as the addictive obsession that drove my disease of codependency until recovery. "The right one" was always someone outside of me who was going to fill the gaping hole in my soul -- do for me what I could not do for myself.

I was taught that I am "the right one" for me, when I am consciously connected to myself and to my higher power's Presence. I am given a "new pair of glasses" with which to see others in the external world, and it allows me to experience the available closeness, accepting unconditionally any separation, while loving and admiring the godself in every person. I do not have to reject or abandon others for my or their humanness .

If I am not my own "right one", there can be ultimately no real connection and closeness with others. To ask someone to be "the right one" is ultmately to doom them to be "the wrong one.

Forgiveness:

Interesting, since I had a moment today where a lot of
old resentments came bubbling to the surface. And yes, forgiveness can be very
hard.
On this day, God wants you to know...
that although forgiveness is
very hard, it is necessary. Holding onto anger and old hurts hardens your heart
and hurts only you. Ask for help in letting go of the anger. Ask to see the
situation through the eyes of compassion. Allow yourself to feel the lightness
of forgiveness.

Maybe forgiveness is not really hard for us to do. Maybe it is impossible! The normal act of forgiveness I experience for humans is actually suppression and denial of feelings to a point of numbness -- which is then called forgiveness. Really it is a growing sesspool of decomposing selves. And I am powerless to stop it.

Resentment for me is the constriction and resistance of feeling to protect me from experiencing separation -- abandonment and abuse -- that occurred in the past, and that I am anticipating in the future -- instinctively, at a primitive brain level. No amount of logic or reasoning can reach this part of my brain. So I am helplessly flailing about in desperate anger, trying to avoid the pain and dismemberments of my past.

For me, spirituality --conscious intimate connection with my God -- is the only way my primitive and rational brains have begun to reconnect, and I begin to stop inflicting the harm of my past on myself -- over and over and over again.
The Twelve Steps are spiritual guide -- for me -- for going back to my past and having my God “change my outcomes” – inserting Their Presence. Resentment is a symptom of my wounded separation, and when this separation is replaced with conscious Presence, I do not have to forgive -- I no longer have the pain and fear that produces resentment.

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Finding Wonders of Self in Darkness and Silence -- Good Grief

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

Helen Keller

I have always been impressed with the wisdom and depth of Helen Keller's words. Here we have someone who was blind and deaf -- absent of the two main physical sources of sensation and awareness -- who was able to "see and hear" way beyond what is normal for human beings. The depth of her vision and insight, and her ability to hear our humanity in her dark and silent world reminds us that we do not have to be limited by our humanness.

"Everything has its wonder" -- in every situation there is the unknown. Our human condition can paint pain and dread on to the canvasses of our brains. We can expect only the worst -- only what our shame and separation describes as "what we deserve!"

"I wonder what horrible thing is going to happen to me to day." Prerecorded, programmed messages on the filters of our brains that tells us, "it's coming -- and it's going to be bad!"

How do we get from here to "wonder"?

My shame and guilt are the results of separation and experiences of abandonment from others. They have programmed our brains this way. To change this, we must become connected -- intimately -- to a higher Presence -- a "God" of our life experience. In this relationship, we can begin to take on "God's Vision" of what is, and who we are. His (and Her) views of life and of us are very different from ours -- full of wonder and expectant joy -- wondering what we are going to do next -- like a parent watches their infant, toddler -- child.

"Even in darkness and silence" Maybe more accurately, in darkness and silence we begin to experience depths of true wonder. Many times we become so distracted by the blaring noises, and blinding lights of our world, that any possible wonder is drowned out by sheer overstimulation.

Actually, my experience is that we need to return and be returned to the basics of darkness and silence so we can find wonder, Presence, and hope. Out of this spiritual darkness comes a different light that only our hearts can see -- a still small voice that only our hearts can hear -- in silence.

The irony is that the human brain is programmed to avoid and condemn darkness and silence as if it were an evil plague. It's time to receive spiritual enlightenment and Presence that recreates our being in the dark and silent womb of unknowing -- the wisdom and intimacy that is born out of not knowing.

As we begin to live in this new perceptions -- with these new spiritual senses -- we begin to see and hear past what the brain defines as what is, moving into contentment and serenity, and eventually into love, Presence, and expectant wonderment.

"What's next! Something wonderful is getting ready to happen!"

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I've Been Disconnected -- Grief and Regaining Selves

(From a relationship group in 2008.)
I WANT

Better acceptance of myself so I can…
work through my own guilt and shame…
better insight to establish… and maintain healthy… lasting
relationships… with healthy people…
greater self awareness in relationships with others…
acceptance and flow of life and events…
to be conscious of the Presence of a Higher Power … so that I
will intuitively know how to handle situations … that
used to baffle me… decrease the trajectory of my
overreaction…

I don’t know?

Life, especially as affected by childhood traumas, can be an ongoing process of becoming disconnected. Every time someone disconnected from and abandoned us, and every time we disconnected from and abandoned someone else, we became more and more disconnected from our selves.

Into these holes we attempted to insert knowledge and understanding to fill the emptiness, and give direction. Within our relationships, we ended up like blind persons attempting to fly a plane by sound. Disconnected from our sense of conscious Presence, we did not know -- if we were up or down -- where the other planes were or weren’t -- inevitably the flights of our relationships almost always ended in deathly crashes of selves.

We desperately believed that our problem was a lack of information -- the real problem was an absence of Presence-Connection with the God of a personal experience.

In the absence of personal Presence, we continue to lose parts of ourselves -- like having the blood flow cut off from parts of our body. We have lost major parts of ourselves, but we can be restored -- by reconnecting these parts – lost selves -- back to a Higher Presence. God’s messengers of loving Presence are here – whenever we are available – wherever we are listening – whenever we open our hearts to the care and love waiting – just outside our minds.

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Taking a Good Look -- Remembering to Live in Precious Moments

Every now and again, take a good look at something not made with hands – a mountain, a star, the turn of a stream.

There will come to you wisdom and patience and solace

and, above all, the assurance that you are not alone in the world.

Sidney Lovett

This inspirational life quote is a reminder of some simple truths of spiritual enlightenment. First, we need to stop-- ever so often – maybe, more often – and remember, that we have forgotten something. The material world screams at us in no uncertain terms to pay attention to its useless chatter and clatter. And our brains react with screaming fierceness – “we have to avoid the present moment – human consciousness is not acceptable.” Together the material world and our brains whip up storms of illusion and confusion that keeps us from remembering – to remember – to stop and experience and reside in just this precious moment.

Take a look – open the eyes of our hearts – take a good look – at something – experience fully our experience of who we are – in something we are not – in something that is not demanding our attention – but in something that carries the subtleness of life’s inexhaustible mystery – within each precious moment – within each atom of human and spiritual experience.

Nature – natural -- not made by man -- uniquely transcendent compared to all the illusions we can create – “what is man that thou art mindful of him” – touch the face of God in moments of Their handiwork – because there are gifts hidden in their simplicity.

Wisdom – spiritual enlightenment – where our brains begin to clear of the wreckages of our pasts – where a higher Presence begins to glow in the darkened synapses of our brain – clarity of experience and intimate Presence adjusts our perceptions and reactions – and we are free to be more wholly present – in life’s precious moments. Wisdom is where human experience and God’s Presence join to become consciousness and intimacy into being.

Patience involves the absence of obsession with material outcomes because we have the guarantee of God’s Presence that all is planned and prepared for our best. The neural energy of our brains diminishes and we are no longer driven to control what will not make us happy anyway. Holding their hands – we have no need to be responsible for our outcomes, only for our presence within Their Presence.

Solace – relief from pain and grief. “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. Their Presence comforts us. We are able to flow through our current and past pain and fear and sadness – and find rest. “Come unto me, all ye who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give your rest.”

When I first began to experience rest, I experienced being a very young child, being held by a very attentive Parent and being gently rocked – safe, nurtured, and unconditionally loved and admired. The cares of my mind’s woundedness flowed out and away, and being replaced by a loving stillness – far beyond my brain’s capacity to create.

All of these gifts – nature, spiritual enlightenment, confidence and serenity, and restful spiritual healing – all these are part of the massive and emerging assurance – the personal experience that we are not ever alone – never abandoned or rejected, except by our own injured brains.

Gifts – from someone who likes us and loves us – without conditions or possibility of rejection – precious moments of God’s love becoming spiritual enlightenment.

No longer alone in our world.

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What Happens When We Stop Falling? Growing With Grief

A baby learning to walk falls a lot.

Kathleen Rowe

What happens when we stop falling? Have we “learned to “walk”? Have we “arrived”?

I am fascinated by my own desire to finish something – to step out from behind my human stream of being, and find my self at a predetermined set of coordinates – fixed and whole. And yet I am lost. Erected road signs claim to show the way through life to some desirable and earned place of happiness and completeness. And yet I am not -- there.

My brain seems so foolish. It is programmed to project any version of reality that hides my truths – to keep me away from understanding what can only be experienced – to mislead me away from who I really am.

A child -- learning to walk-- is confronted with a physical force – gravity. Something is sucking him or her toward their own feet – the basic and simplest place on top of this giant sphere of existence – the ground of all human beingness. Wandering around the universe of new sensations and experiences, the child is repeated thrown to its knees – to a place of pain and fear --- and then hope – the belief that someday they will be able to negotiate a working relationship with what they perceive to be freedom.

And the child falls – again and again. Until – something seems mastered – and the ordeal has produced its desired end. And now the child races forward to new experiences – forgetting the struggle that occurred to become – in motion.

I experience that to stop falling is to stop growing – to settle into the world’s glittering illusion of dreams. To fall is to reexperience the truth of my human state: without lasting intimate connection with my God, my self and my others -- I am powerless. Areas of my self are disconnected – in this breathing life. So I should always be falling from my own human graces -- toward a state of being that is “more me” – than I was before.

If this is not happening, I am not becoming. I am disbecoming – losing and leaving the existence of my living selves – aging into the oblivion of what my brain paints as the beyond – to finally stumble – back -- at the last -- into the stream of where I must become – and die into the life I leave behind.

The gift of falling is being given to me today, and I am growing – more and more consciously present – and I am faced with my deepest darkest truest selves. Together, with my God’s loving Presence, we are shedding the darkness and becoming a different light.

Maybe “walking” is overrated.

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