Removing Movies From My Mind - Grief and Lost Selves

Stepping across aisles,
another row of seats
filled with memories, the “selves”,
the forgotten ones –
deeply abandoned parts of who I was to become ....
Hidden in the darkness –
the cinema that I believed was my life –
projected images, drama, sadness, silence,
hope, flights of happy relief,
suspended in dangles of questions
and contrived answers.
My life now staggers with Their revealing truths –
the vagueness becomes clearer,
the movies of my imaginary living are ending abruptly
and I must follow Their lead –
deeper and deeper
present with in my self,
Their comforting Presence –
hands, hearts touching,
closeness and beyond closeness,
Their quiet voices introducing me
-- more and more to “me” I have forgotten,
reminding me of Their present love
and my helpless past.
I experience massive waves of regret and fear –
And wonder --
wondering
if the stupor of the screen’s fabricated images
were not maybe a “better” way to go.
So much to re-experience.....
So much remains.
In our Presence together.

Where Do All The Voices Come From -- Grief and Regaining Ourselves

“So what's worse? Too many voices in your head or complete silence?“

This Facebook quote, along with recent writing and listening I have been doing, triggered some powerful new spiritual awakenings and experiences.

First, it is important to realize and experience that these voices are my “lost selves” – parts of me that were disconnected or dissociated from my actual Self in order to emotionally survive the emotional traumas of my life.

There are four awarenesses that I experienced about my inner voices:

1. When I experience confusion, memory losses, and difficulty making decisions, they is caused by being overwhelmed by these voices – lost selves --pressing me with their pain and fear and needs. Imagine being in a shopping mall full of people – at Christmas, and everyone turns and moves toward you – surrounding you --- talking, then yelling, then screaming information, feelings, demands, requestts, etc...... and imagine trying to process and survive the whole experience.

2. The majority of people survive and function within the material world and within relationships by using silence – the absence of consciousness of the voices. By depressing the operation of the neural pathways of the brain, the pirmitive brain instinctively turns off the sound of their voices. And when that doesn’t work, it will exaggerate, dramatize, generally flood the neural pathways with distracting new activity focused at external circumstances and outcomes – thought.

3. My experience is that we do not have the ability to listen, organize, and process their voices, and successfully address the needs that drives these lost selves into frenzied desperation.

4. What I need to do is to allow a simplification to occur – to become as a little child – in the loving, caring , ujnconditional Presence of my God, and to receive gentle guidance -- to help me move through the conscious experience and restoration of these lost selves. For me, my spiritual parents/guides operate through the Presence that resonates in others.

I perceive that the majority of human beings live materially “successful” lives in virtual silence -- not stillness – silence – the forced and constricted absence of sound -- not the quiet and flowing serenity of Presence. I define ‘success” experiencially as the reaching of enough life outcomes to be reasonably satisfied with life – often to notice of others as being accomplished or having “successfully” overcome sizable obstacles to do so. Most often, success, for humans, is perceived as being within the realm of objects and material outcomes, not relationships, closeness, or intimate awakenings.

“Success” in our modern culture typically entails the suppression of these inner voices – lost selves – in order to reach some external outcome. Consequently, I experience that those who our culture venerates with public media attention, as being the most “successful” are also the most unconscious. As I watch them, I experience the feeling that no one is home. I only experience their masks -- hiding deeper and deeply wounded selves.

The efficiency of unconsciousness – the dead and dying selves lie decomposing on the screens of our televisions and cinemas – in our politics, music, and entertainment. I feel sad. So much wonder and beauty of selves lost in the blinding glares of deafening outcomes.

If you are hearing your inner voices, too, and would like some comforting Presence, and direction, try some of these blogs that I have written, and feel free to contact me on Facebook, or by email.

We can all help each be restored to sanity – truer and more complete versions of ourselves. Our lost selves need us to improve our conscious intimate contact with our God so they can come home. We and they do not have to be alone today.

Click here: Finding Daily Inspirations

Returning to the Secret Garden of Lost Selves

Twelve Step Spiritual Life Management

Valley of Deadened Selves: Regaining our Selves through Grief

My mind drapes sadly over the fallen corpses
selves fallen in the service of guarding, protecting the “me”.
I am buried beneath growing swells of rushing raging e-motions
pounding the beaches of my consciousness and thoughts
Reminding, remembering, forgetting yet again.
Protected– a light that rests casually on the edge of my mind
an unravelling of what was never together
exposing the inner wreckage and carnage of my past and dying selves.
I can’t remember where I am – who I was –
another world seems impinging from somewhere
beyond what is for me –
I am present, fallen, and streaming – in realest time –
as light continues to rise – burning alive motions,
somehow, in this dead and dying selves –
as Presence beginning to gently glow and flow within deadened lifeless
veins – and life, a love, sensations of beingness,
Presence begins to beat
where darkened hearts had stopped before.
My valley of deadened selves, touched – restoring -- yet unknown appearing Self – enlightened shadows of what may yet to come.

Turning on God's Love Light -- Direction in The Darkness of Grief

Every day my eyes would automatically open as the sun began to rise. I’d lie there and not just look at the dawn, the dawn would enter me. The imprint of sunshine – of a new day following the darkness of night – made its way into my cells.
Marianne Williamson

Light – spiritual enlightenment – precious moments illuminating the darkness – experiencing daily inspirations – bursts of God’s Presence – as we spiritually awaken to spiritual healing -- from painful darkness.

I heard of a child who was chronically punished for being unacceptable by being placed in a small closet underneath the stairs. Her mother called it the “Mean Kid’s House”.

The child and her siblings would work hard and sometimes they would be given a little money. When her siblings had a chance, they would buy candy. But the child from the closet would buy candles. The candles were so she could have light in the darkness of her “Mean Kid’s House”.

Darkness is the absence of loving, caring, unconditional Presence – from others, then causing a sense of separation from God, and ultimately separating us from ourselves. Sometimes it is as physical as a closet, but more often it is a dark and sad place inside of us.

We all live or have lived in the “Mean Kid’s House”. Shame, guilt, fear, loneliness, and sadness – mental and spiritual darkness – have surrounded our existence and experience. A conditional world had abandoned us in order to avoid themselves.

Many of us created imaginary friends, selves, lives to fill the darkness with blind hope – actually temporary mental painkillers fashioned in painful desperation. Nothing changed – and we remained hopelessly damned to the empty stale and blinding silence. The only voices were the voices within our brains – and even they became progressively more and more abusive.

To escape, we must begin to find “candles” – sources of light, love and Presence. “Candy” is nice. But loving Presence begins to shatter the darkness with new inner sources of hope and healing. Our lives begin to change – spiritual enlightenment begins to burn – beginning as just a spark, and becoming radiating beams of warming Presence and spiritual healing.

Our God knows the way out. We need to find and follow Their loving Light out of our darkness and into Better Places by Their loving design and care.

The imprint of sunshine – of a new day following the darkness of night – made its way into my cells. And one morning it was as though I heard the voice of God, telling me as I witnessed the dawn that “Such is the work I will do within you.” I too would experience a new dawn after the dark night of my soul. God would give me a new beginning. I knew it then. And as I closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep, I thanked Him with all my heart. And my heart was healed.
Marianne Williamson



In the darkness shall be the light, and in the stillness, the dancing.
e.e. cummings

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Going With the Flow of God's Presence -- Grief and Loss

The chief of pang of most trials is not so much the actual suffering itself as our own spirit of resistance to it.
Jean Nicholas Grou

Life happens. It happens to us. And it is perceived through the mental filters of our brains which produce different and varied reactions and conclusions.

Filters operate by resisting certain aspects of light or sound – or mental and emotional experience – in an attempt to produce a desired reaction. Our brains are masters of this principle.

Based on our past experiences, certain sensations and perceptions are resisted by our brain in an attempt to protect us from pain. In the process, it ultimately does just the opposite.

Pain is actually produced by resistance. If I start swing my arms in the middle of a large room, I experience no pain. If I start swinging my arms in the middle of a doorway, I am going to feel pain – as my hand and arms connect with the resistance of the door frame.

A key to serene living and spiritual enlightenment is to reduce the level of resistance that our brains use to control neural energy and perception.

The first step in lowering my brains natural resistance is to become aware that my conscious, rational, logical brain has no ability to control the level of my impulse brain’s resistance. No amount of thought or will can remove the resistance my primitive brain is exercising over the neural impulses of my brain.

Sometimes it “seems” like thought brings relief, but it is not by reducing the resistance that causes the pain, but anesthetizing the brain’s conscious perceptors of pain.

Second, ours brains need spiritual enlightenment – the insertion of God’s higher Presence into the neural processes of our brain. God’s Presence gives a security that allows our brains to relax its control, and begin to find an emerging and incomprehensible peace.

Last, we need to break the cycle of resistance that our brains are using to protect us, by take specific and deliberate action that releases the constricted neural energy that is holding up the walls of resistance.

Breathe – wash the dishes – take out the trash – shower – vacuum the floor – make a phone call – go for a walk -- act as if God is taking care of everything, and do the next right healthy thing.

Spiritual enlightenment is about becoming fluid and loving, beginning to live daily – each precious moment – in the flowing, loving Presence of our very Present God.

Learn to Go With the Flow of God’s Presence.

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Finding Wonders of Self in Darkness and Silence -- Good Grief

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.

Helen Keller

I have always been impressed with the wisdom and depth of Helen Keller's words. Here we have someone who was blind and deaf -- absent of the two main physical sources of sensation and awareness -- who was able to "see and hear" way beyond what is normal for human beings. The depth of her vision and insight, and her ability to hear our humanity in her dark and silent world reminds us that we do not have to be limited by our humanness.

"Everything has its wonder" -- in every situation there is the unknown. Our human condition can paint pain and dread on to the canvasses of our brains. We can expect only the worst -- only what our shame and separation describes as "what we deserve!"

"I wonder what horrible thing is going to happen to me to day." Prerecorded, programmed messages on the filters of our brains that tells us, "it's coming -- and it's going to be bad!"

How do we get from here to "wonder"?

My shame and guilt are the results of separation and experiences of abandonment from others. They have programmed our brains this way. To change this, we must become connected -- intimately -- to a higher Presence -- a "God" of our life experience. In this relationship, we can begin to take on "God's Vision" of what is, and who we are. His (and Her) views of life and of us are very different from ours -- full of wonder and expectant joy -- wondering what we are going to do next -- like a parent watches their infant, toddler -- child.

"Even in darkness and silence" Maybe more accurately, in darkness and silence we begin to experience depths of true wonder. Many times we become so distracted by the blaring noises, and blinding lights of our world, that any possible wonder is drowned out by sheer overstimulation.

Actually, my experience is that we need to return and be returned to the basics of darkness and silence so we can find wonder, Presence, and hope. Out of this spiritual darkness comes a different light that only our hearts can see -- a still small voice that only our hearts can hear -- in silence.

The irony is that the human brain is programmed to avoid and condemn darkness and silence as if it were an evil plague. It's time to receive spiritual enlightenment and Presence that recreates our being in the dark and silent womb of unknowing -- the wisdom and intimacy that is born out of not knowing.

As we begin to live in this new perceptions -- with these new spiritual senses -- we begin to see and hear past what the brain defines as what is, moving into contentment and serenity, and eventually into love, Presence, and expectant wonderment.

"What's next! Something wonderful is getting ready to happen!"

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